Birthday’s; either love them or hate them.

There is rarely an in between. I LOVE birthday’s. I love celebrating the people in my life and I also love my birthday. That probably comes from growing up as 1 of 5 siblings so I loved a day that was all about ME! I was from a family that celebrated you every day, but on your birthday it was a celebration of who you were from morning until night. Presents before breakfast, which were lovingly saved for, tesco clubcard points used for, or found on gumtree or car boot sales. Homemade birthday cards, sweet cereal on your birthday (my preference was honey loops), Dad in your face with a video camera and Mum’s famous homemade chocolate cakes and in my childhood, her cake designs were next level! 

I have sweet and fond memories of birthdays and I am notorious for dragging out my birthday celebrations. I think last year I managed a good month to celebrate my 30th. This year I am keeping it to a much more modest week…or two. 

When you are reading this email I will be in full birthday weekend mode, so naturally it has pushed my thoughts to what birthdays can be and have been like for some of my neurodiverse children, families and young people I have supported throughout the years.

For Esther, birthdays didn’t bring joy. They brought fear. The month of May started and every day she would say ‘don’t mention my birthday’, ‘I don’t want my birthday’. Talking to Esther’s Dad he mentioned how Esther used to love her birthday but in the past 2 years it has become something she is scared of.

After a long chat over coffee we pieced together that this all started when Esther’s Granny died. The fear of death was overshadowing her birthday. Why? Esther had taken on the literal understanding of death ‘when you get older you die’. What do we often say to our young people on their birthday? ‘Oh aren’t you getting old’. These literal phrases were haunting Esther and blanketing her birthday in fear and dread.

There were small simple solutions. A social story around birthdays and the understanding of death. Giving simple and clear language. Renaming her birthday to ‘Esther days’ took away the trigger for Esther and a few years later I received an invitation under my new classroom door to Esther’s birthday party!

Melissa sat across from me in our first parent/teacher meeting. I knew something was wrong but hadn’t quite got to the source. Charlie had recently joined our class and was doing really well, we had worked through tricky moments and the conversation was very positive. 

‘It’s a busy month for you with Charlie’s birthday coming up,’ I said, trying to break the silence. 

Melissa burst into tears. This led to a conversation of Melissa stating Charlie’s birthdays just weren’t what she imagined they would be. 

‘I thought I would be hosting big class birthday’s, going to soft play, having cake, eating sweets and having yummy food.’ 

But last year when Melissa tried the ‘standard’ birthday celebrations of 25 kids in their back garden with a bouncy castle, a slime pit and a wide variety of new and exciting party food Charlie refused to leave his room and had meltdown after meltdown when encouraged to come and join ‘the fun’. 

I validated Melissa’s emotions, journeying through a ‘not what I thought it would be moment’ of grief. Then reminded that birthday’s don’t have to be canceled, just look slightly different. I encouraged her to talk to some of the other parents in my class as they had come up with a beautiful way of celebrating their children’s birthdays. Fast forward to Charlie’s birthday and his 9 other classmates and their parents/carers all met at the local park for an hour of ‘play and party’. They would bring their own snacks and Charlie had a cake where no happy birthday was sung but everyone sang the postman pat special delivery service song (Charlie’s favourite) and he blew out the candles after. 

Birthday’s can be tricky for all of us in a wide variety of ways. For our neurodiverse children and young people it can be a time that is extremely confusing and overwhelming (whether with positive or negative emotions). But birthday’s don’t have to be canceled, they just might look different! 

1. Putting time limits on celebrations 

2. Leaving presents unwrapped to help with predictability 

3. Using visuals and social stories to help decrease anxiety and increase understanding 

4. Create and environment they enjoy (favourite people, food and TV shows) 

5. Take the pressure off yourself (Remember instagram isn’t real) 

6. Celebrate your child for who they are 

7. Celebrate yourself for everything you have done for your child!