Taking Off The Mask

I had the privilege of teaching Emma for a few years.

The beautiful thing about teaching a child for a few years, you get to journey with them through so much. With Emma the greatest gift of teaching her was that I actually got to meet her.

What I mean by that is Emma was an Autistic girl who had been in survival mode for so long that in her day to day of school she wore a mask, conforming and morphing into who was closest to her to survive. It was hard to know what Emma enjoyed doing, liked eating, wearing, watching or how she spoke, her mannerisms and the way in which she expressed emotions because it was so deeply ingrained in her to act how others would to survive. Emma had learnt to mask to survive outside of her home environment and it was now my role and responsibility as her teacher to help her realise she didn’t have to wear that mask. 

Masking. A word that many of you will be familiar with, a word that many of you are seeing play out in your day to day life. So how do we explain masking? 

‘Masking or camouflaging is artificially performing social behaviour that is deemed to be more socially acceptable (by neurotypical standards) or hiding behaviours that might be viewed as socially unacceptable.’ Lai, M et al (2016)

This is one of the best definitions of masking I have found. It makes so much sense and breaks my heart all at the same time.

You may have experienced masking from your child or young person, in particular autistic girls. This might be from meltdowns at home, sensory seeking behaviours at home and then hearing the classic ‘oh we don’t see any of that’ from their education setting. They might be the most talkative and funny girl at home but outside they are clinging to your side and only interacting with adults who are predictable in their social responses. 

Recently I have read Fern Brady’s book ‘Strong Female character’. It has been one of the most powerful, heartbreaking books I have read in a long time. Fern is a well known comedian and in her book shares her life story of growing up as a girl and woman who was constantly finding ways to cope in a world that didn’t understand her. She was diagnosed in her later life as autistic (I would highly recommend reading, but keep the tissues close).

In her book Fern talks about masking a lot and how it feels. She states that ‘masking is like trying to speak a foreign language 24 hours a day’ and how she realised early on that ‘the world wasn’t going to change to accommodate me so I started practising it’. Fern shares the challenges and problems that this lead her into, especially as an adult and the constant meltdowns that she would experience. One analogy she shared particularly stuck with me she stated that: 

‘Autistic women are chameleons and can become brilliant at masking, but doing so is like having a computer that should only be running one or 2 programmes at once and forcing it to run up to ten. The computer will do it but it will eventually overheat and shutdown’ 

Emma was overheating at home. She displayed distressing and at times disturbing behaviours that for the first few months we weren’t seeing any of in school. I knew that Emma was clinging onto that mask so tight for survival. Slowly as trust built in this new school environment the mask began to drop. At first this meant navigating through meltdowns in school and making sure we were supporting her sensory needs. It meant helping her navigate through the confusing world of making friends.

But fast forward a few years and Emma was thriving. She was uniquely her. She would sing at the top of her lungs at any given opportunity, could quote any Harry Potter movie, loved having dance offs and adored animals. She was taking part in art clubs, was a play buddy for the nursery children and adored by all in school. She had also learnt to express when things were getting too much and she needed some time out or was starting to feel ‘itchy’ which was her way of saying everything felt too much. It was such a privilege to watch Emma lay down her mask and be fully her. 

Supporting our children when they feel like they should mask is vital. We want to help nurture children into young people and adults who feel proud of who they are, who can express when they need some time and who can be authentically themselves.

Relationship is key in this. If you are in a school or youth club setting, having a good relationship with individuals is key. Learn what they like, spend time with them and create a space where they feel safe and comfortable.

Second is to meet their sensory needs, naturally scheduling down/chill time is essential. Just like Fern’s computer analogy, start to close some of those tabs for them before they shutdown or overheat. Post school, allow them some processing time, whether that is running around outside or in their room on their switch under a blanket.In a school setting, make that sensory room just part of their day whether you feel like they ‘need it’ or not.

And finally accept them for who they fully are, in their beautiful and tricky moments. Let them know that no matter what you are going to be there for them.