Your Words Matter

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

A well known phrase and yet one we know that is far from the truth. We have all felt the sting of words, we have all battled through undoing what others have spoken over us.

Louise had always struggled with her spellings and mathematics. The moment the teacher started reading out words for the spelling test, she could feel her heart starting to pound and anxiety made the task she was being asked to complete nearly impossible to concentrate on. Maths was something that felt like a different language and again the pressure of failing in front of her class during times tables crumbled her. Constantly she was being told ‘you’re not like your other siblings’ and one day her P7 teacher screamed at her for getting her 9 times tables wrong in front of the class, snapped a pencil, threw it across the room and yelled ‘you are so awful at maths, why can’t you remember this’.
Louise carried this phrase with her for the rest of her life, she started ditching maths lessons pretending she had music lessons on, she stated there was no point trying because she was ‘awful at maths’ and often got asked to stand outside the classroom during it because she was ‘talking too much.’ In reality, she was trying to distract herself from the fact she didn’t know what she was doing and was scared of trying.
Louise is me, this is my story.
Some mindless words spoken over me at 10 years old that I battled with my whole life. The narrative of being ‘different’ to all my siblings as a negative thing, the fact I ‘wasn’t very smart like them’ and being ‘awful at maths’ are narratives still at 30 years old I am unpicking. Looking back the reality was I learnt differently, I needed a lot of visual aid and creative learning for things to stick and words of encouragement to help reduce anxiety.
Thankfully I had the safest and kindest home where the phrase ‘I love you’ came with ‘No matter what’.
Words stick.
Our words deeply matter, especially how we label children, the narrative we provide for them about their abilities, their personalities and their approaches to life. From as young as 2, neuropathways are being formed in a child’s brain. Their identity begins to develop and they start to speak out the words being spoken over them. These strong neuropathways can ultimately affect the trajectory of their lives. That is why you will get children saying ‘I am a naughty boy’ or ‘I am a brave girl’. It is also why I have worked with many children stating they have ‘anger management issues’ at 6 years old. Children who state ‘There is nothing you can do to help me, I am a troublemaker’. Are these statements from their brains? No of course not, they are the words spoken over them from adults in their lives.
I have received multiple deeply disturbing reports this week of schools publicly shaming children for their behaviour in front of the entire school, in front of their classmates and in front of other parents. Thus leading other children to mock, tease and isolate them in the playground and class because they are the ‘badly behaved kids’, they are the ‘bad child of the class’. Adults, your words stick. Your words matter and will already be shaping the identity of these individuals.
Studies show that children with neurodiverse needs such as Autism and ADHD receive increased negative comments to that of their neurotypical peers. One study estimated that children with ADHD receive a full 20,000 more negative messages by age 10 in comparison to their peers. 20,000! This has to change!
Adults, let’s check our language!
Are you always calling your child naughty (even if in a jokey manner), are you telling them ‘you never listen’. Think about your words. Try and encourage and build up children in everything they do. Why not try phrases like ‘I notice you got really angry during reading, I am really proud of how you moved yourself away to sit by yourself rather than hurting someone’ or ‘I know you feel a bit wobbly about that spelling test, you gave it a really good try and I am proud of you’. Speak truth over them! As educators, as youth workers, as parents and carers we have a beautiful privilege to influence and form children’s self-talk and identity, let us never abuse this privilege rather let’s encourage and build them up!
Additionally:
We are delighted to be speaking again in Downpatrick on 1st June. We will be talking about the diagnosis journey and the challenges it can present and how best to navigate it! This is free to anyone no matter whether you have started the diagnosis journey, wondering about it or have already journeyed it. Hope to see some of you there.